Fresh Air

Ran into this interesting article in today's paper. I feared things might get this bad, but it looks like it's for real:

SEOUL AIR TO BECOME EVEN CLEANER

SEOUL, Dec. 26 (Yonyap) Amid recent smoking restrictions, the Seoul City Council announced new “enhanced” measures to further protect citizens from the health effects of poor quality air - and not just from smokers! Phase one is called “Jump and Ride”. Beginning March 1st, buses will no longer be allowed to stop at center-street bus stops, thus minimizing exposure to hazardous exhaust fumes. Drivers will slow down to 10kph within 150m of the stop in both directions. A representative of the “Drivers' Union of Metropolitan Buses” says some drivers will complain about the new procedures, but most welcome the change, as it will protect the children and elderly.” The ban will expand to all bus stops from early June.

Phase two, called “No Poop, No Stink” begins on May 31, and is modeled after the successful 2007 Korean Animal Protection Act. Under this program, citizens will no longer be allowed to defecate in any public restroom, including office buildings, shopping malls, or any bathroom with more than one toilet stall. “The eradication of harmful sewerage gasses such as hydrogen sulfide, ammonia, methane, as well as dangerous bacteria, has long been the goal of the World Toilet Association”, says it's chairman Mr. Kim Seu-koop, who spearheaded these efforts from behind the scenes. “We knew we had to eliminate smoking first, but now it it time plunge ahead and attack the next biggest polluter of Korea's most beautiful toilet environments”. He also hints that flatulence, urination and expectoration will be on the blocks in future campaigns. “We considered starting with the ban on spitting this year, but frankly thought it would be too difficult for citizens to accept. So we only lobbied for a ban on defecation from this year”. Mr. Kim's dream is to see every restroom in Korea completely free from all bodily wastes, be they solid, liquid or gas. This ban will be expanded to all restrooms in Seoul of any size or location, public or private, by October. Similar legislation will be considered by the National Assembly this spring, to be implemented country-wide.

Another benefit of the legislation will be the creation of the new “Freshie Air Reinforcement Troops”. It will be manned by the thousands of retirees who were recently discharged from the Parking Lot Corps, as more and more building complexes became fully mechanized. The Chief of Staff of the Ajossi Ministry reports that all members will be transferred to the new organization with full benefits, and will retain their previous rank and pay grade. These heroic pioneers on the front lines against dangerous smells will be stationed at bus stops and toilets throughout Seoul, and are empowered to issue citations on-the-spot.

This new legislation, “Wind Like 10,000 Roses”, passed last Friday just before the Christmas Holiday. At the press conference today, Mr. Park Gung-ho, an official of the Seoul Metropolitan Government, said the new law is intended as a present to the people of Seoul. Mr. Park said the Council had considered the creation of a Yeouido Noxious Fume Offset Market, where citizens with fresh smelling bodily emissions could sell and trade. But this proposal didn't smell right to many legislatures, and was tabled until 2016.

SEOUL