One-Armed Living Advice

You never know when you might find yourself without an arm. Especially when there are icy sidewalks in your neighborhood. So as a public service, I've compiled a list of tips for living with one arm.

Don't remove your socks. You'll never get them back on.

If you eat bagels, arrange someone to slice them at the store.

On the good-armed side of your body, don't sweat. You won't be able to wash it in the shower.

Have the cashier open any bottles or jars that you purchase before you leave the store.

Before becoming one-armed, prepare all your meals in individual dishes and store them in the refrigerator or freezer. Bite sized foods are essential. Soups and stews, good. T-bone steaks, not good.

Wear only pajamas. If you must wear clothes, hire a tailor to sew clothes on you in the morning, and cut them off at night. Better yet, become a nudist.

Store your butter on the counter, not in the refrigerator